New Year's Resolution

{# 847}....

I WILL start blogging again.

I miss revisiting my children.

I regret that every breath of Luciya's first three years is recorded, but Mirabel gets completely duped.

I want to write about how tonight's full moon should be reflecting off an acre of snow, but remark upon Idaho's bizarre (read: scary?) lack of the white stuff this season.

It's January. So. I have a whole year ahead of me. Let's begin it.

"We will open the book. Its pages are blank. We are going to put words on them ourselves. The book is called Opportunity and its first chapter is New Year's Day." - Edith Lovejoy Pierce

Ya hear?

A Horse of an Off-Color

Last year, on our annual Labor Day camping trip, I told a joke. It's a joke I've somehow become famous for over the years, one that requires it be told in an English accent and that revolves around its punchline, which is "horsecock."

When I told it last year to the gathered group, the uproarious laughter that pealed through the camp was enough to wake up the early sleepers, and it went over so well that the next morning I was carted to the neighboring rancher's house, just so I could tell it to him.

This year, I was walking Luciya up to our sleeping quarters through the dark woods one night when I heard the group shouting after us from the main cabin. I turned my flashlight around and shouted back down at them: "What?"

John's voice boomed up: "They want you to do horsecock!"

"Later!" I answered. "I'm taking Luciya to bed." And with that, she and I resumed picking our way through the pine needles and dusty knolls to our quarters. After a few steps I heard "Mommy?"

"Yes, sweetie?"

"Can I do horsecock?"

Sigh. It's late, it's dark, let's not get into it. "Yes, honey."

"I get to do horsecock with you?"

"Mmm hmm."

"Mommy, I can do horsecock with you in the morning?"

"Of course, sweetie."

Quiet walking. Her hand in mine. Her breathing becomes ragged and excited. In a quavering voice she says, "Ine so excited to do horsecock!"

Groooooan.

More walking up through the woods. I can practically hear the little wheels turning in her brain. After a few more quiet steps,

"Mommy?"

"Yes, honey?"

"If we see a horsecock, can we get on it?"

Oy. Vey.

"Yes, hon."

More walking, more silent ponderation. Then,

"Mommy?"

"Yes, sweetie."

"What's horsecock?"

"Ask your father."

easy breezy

What did you wish for, Luciya?

what i have become

I am a friend to inspiring women. I am a wife to a kind, responsible, and adorable husband. I am a daughter to intelligent, loving parents and a sister to a brother who makes me smile. I am a business owner and proud of the opportunities I have every day. I am a reader, a dreamer, a lover of laughter.

But my real existence began four years ago. Now,

I sleep with one ear open.

I cringe at words like "hate."

I delight in knuckle dimples and stinky morning breath.

I am what I was meant to be. A mama.


An Ode to Knuckle Dimples

This minuscule chub
tugging, serene,
accentuated by the essence of Adorable;
dimpled pudgily and softly astonishing
your tiny infant hands

I linger in your dainty caresses
those dimpled knuckles trailing softly across my neck
fingers twirling my hair at the nape.
Your baby hand can disappear in mine still
I rediscover it time and again
and devour it with kisses.

Don't let those fingers stretch away
the wrinkly warm spots
that make me smile.
Don't grow too fast, my baby,
stay
and let me knead you for a while.

birdsong

Mmmmmm... yummy. I know Spring is ready to burst into full bloom when I wake up to birdsong for the first time. Is there a more delightful, delicious sound after the bleak, heavy shushing of Winter? Yes, I do love the arrival of birdsong, the first sighting of Mr. Robin Redbreast, the powdery floral scent of emerging apple blossoms, the brave tiny buds daring to poke their little peepers out of the earth.

Luciya plucked one of these little flower heads the other day and brought it to me.


It was so tiny, and the act was so endearing, and you know me, all sentimental about everything, and needing to record every First... Well, this was the first time my little girl has picked a flower for me.

I used to do that for my mom all the time. And she was always very gracious about receiving my little gifts, which were usually frayed yellow dandelions from the front yard, and which I'd hold behind my back until I was ready to present them with a flourish and a shy, proud smile.

Don't think I didn't keep that teeny yellow blossom.

And then... then. Then I remembered it's April in Idaho, and a few days later we woke up to this.


How do you feel about that, Luciya?


And what about you, Little Mirabel?

Oh, poor little Red Eye. Are you so sick of me having to scrape away the crusty tear duct goop every day? Some mornings your poor eyes are so smeared over, you can't open them! This will clear up, along with your thrush, by the time you're 15. I just know it.

And Spring will hold fast, if even for a brief, petally exhale into Summer. And we'll enjoy those sweet opportunities to get out of the house again, and I'll glance up out the window and see my lovely little family surveying the land.

Welcome back, Spring. Take your shoes off. Hang around a little while. Keep on singing.

a year in the life

This was my first attempt at movie-making on the computer. It's amazing to look back on the past year, and to reflect on how quickly it flew by. A miscarriage, travels, new businesses, starting school, family time, another pregnancy... and that's just scratching the surface!

teddy bear knee

So, I'm putting this picture up on my bathroom mirror for my daily smile. It was taken yesterday at a "teddy bear tea" in downtown Boise at the Saturday market. I somehow missed the part on the invite that said to dress up; as you can see, Luciya's buddies are dressed to the nines and she looks like a boy in a mushroom turtleneck. But, when it came time to pose for the group shot with the life-sized bear, my daughter seriously and lovingly reached from the front row to the back to place her hand gently on Teddy's knee. I don't know why this slays me so. But it does. I am reduced to fits of giggles.


Click on image for full effect.

just what the shrink ordered

So, I've been learning a lot about antenatal depression, and that it affects as many as 1 in 10 pregnant women. And since I've been eating well, exercising a lot, sleeping fine, and have a good social network, I realized that there was something more going on when I was so, so sad, and anxious, and angry, and panicked to the point of near hyperventalation. So, I took some matters into my own hands, and contacted a local therapist who wpecializes in pre and post natal depression, and an acupuncturist.

First off, just talking and being heard is amazing, and secondly, why didn't anyone ever tell me about acupuncture? I leave feeling like I'm floating, even though lately I'm having to heft my body from side to side to roll over at night.

But. Therapy. John and I went to the first appointment together, and expressed our dedication to our marriage and each other. So we decided to get away for our first anniversary, and took up one of my Stroller Strides mamas to use her condo in Sun Valley for the weekend.

It was perfect. Autumn had already visited, but the aspen trees were still golden and twinkling, and the long, four-hour route we took through the mountains was dusted in snow.

We stopped by Red Fish Lake, which was closing that weekend for the season. The lodge looked just as I remembered it from childhood, and the water of the lake was remarkably clear.

We took in the sights of the breathtaking Sawtooth Mountains.

We went for a long walk along the Big Wood River and enjoyed delicious food, chocolate and wine. We shopped at Ketchum's cute little town center and visited a wonderful book shop and spen t way too much on chocolates. John let me rest one afternoon, and he went out and bought a coming-home outfit for the new baby.

Our last day there we woke up to snow, so we stayed in, cuddled, and watched a movie on the couch. How awesome is that? I don't think we've done anything like that since before Luciya was born.

Thanks to the mama who let us use her beautiful cabin, thanks to Tutu for watching Luciya, thanks to the therapist for making me feel less crazy, thanks to John for your patience, and blessings to those mamas-to-be out there who may not know how important it is to take care of yourself first. It will make it so much easier to take care of everyone else in the future. Depression is nothing to be ashamed about, and there are lots of resources out there and people who care.

giant ears

Ummm... are they wearing prosthetic ears? What happened?

growin like a.....

Seriously. This weed is John's special summer project.

a mattress story and an announcement

We got a tempurpedic mattress topper a week ago, hoping it would combat the permanent body grooves in the mattress we've had for about 4 years and that, oddly, doesn't flip over. The insert said the new cover might take a while to get used to, though "most users sleep soundly the first night of use." We have been giving it the old college try, and the last couple nights have finally been really, deeply comfortable and we've been sleeping well.

Last night John had a hard time falling asleep and it actually took him 12 seconds to start snoring, instead of the usual six. I had just finished a couple chapters in the latest David Sedaris book, which generally isn't the best way to calm down before bed, and since John was deeply snoring I started absentmindedly banging my foot against the new tempurpedic pad. I don't know why. I just did. And John stirred. And he mumbled, "What's going on?" My answer? "I can't find my feet." And John says, "Oh," and immediately starts snoring again.

"Oh." Like "Oh, yeah, I lose my feet all the time. I hate it when that happens. But they eventually find their way home." He accepted it, in his sleep state, probably in the same way he would have accepted it had my answer been, "Ponytooth is visiting the dentist."

"Oh." (snnngggrriizzzzzz)

And I lost it. I got totally engulfed in a fit of ridiculous giggles and started convulsing in the bed until tears were streaming. John tried to wake up and join along, but just couldn't do it, which only got me going harder. And that's the way it's been.

An emotional roller coaster. Because who knows, had the same exact situation occurred 2 nights ago I might have been so annoyed with the fact that John wasn't paying adequate enough attention to what I said and I might have gotten reaaallllly pissed.

Because I'm pregnant, and that's the way it goes.

Surprise! Right? I know! Big surprise. We had one cycle after the d & c in March, and pretty much got pregnant immediately, without trying.

This week marks week 15, and we are finally starting to feel excited, and accepting. I tell you what, the beginning of this pregnancy was not enjoyable for me, at all. I was so shocked to learn we were pregnant again, and by week 7 we had had 2 ultrasounds and 2 blood tests because there was some spotting, and even the midwife thought we had possibly miscarried again. Blech. She is a wonderful woman, and mentioned, after our 3rd unscheduled stop at her office, that I might be afflicted with a touch of PTSD. Ya think?

It's been crazy. Not to mention the fact that the first trimester left me utterly exhausted. I don't remember being this tired with Luciya, but when I was pregnant with her I wasn't running two businesses and raising a toddler. I still need to sleep just about every day, and thankfully our little munchkin takes amazing 2 1/2 hour naps still. Oh, and she still sleeps 12 hours a night. AND SHE'S POTTY TRAINED! More about that later, I hope, because it's totally insane, and it happened so quickly, and we've not had one accident since we started two weeks ago.

But. Here we are. I can safely say we're pregnant, we're thrilled, and we're due January 24th.

child's eye view

The other day I gave Luciya the camera and showed her how to press the shutter button. She had the most fun and took about 80 pictures all over the yard, never using the view finder and clicking away. Here is a sampling of some of her work. I think it shows promise.

ah, to be two

just another word for nothin' left to lose

The procedure went very well last week (almost too well - seriously, I can see how people can become addicted to Demerol). But I digress. I actually felt very comfortable with our doctor and the nurse in attendance. She brought me a wool blanket to snuggle with afterwards, and the doctor, per our request, let us take a look at what he removed. 

We named him Kanoa, which was the boy name we had decided on early in the pregnancy. The name is fitting for a couple reasons - first, because I feel strongly that this baby would have been a boy, and second, because Kanoa is a Hawaiian name that means "free man." While I may never understand where he went  or why, I take comfort in the idea that he, and I, are where we are supposed to be.

I have been able to take the best possible stance in this situation, and I'm motivated to live a wonderful life for Kanoa and for everything else I have the opportunity to achieve. We've had happy spirits lately, and have even been able to find ways to laugh - about the fact that Kanoa is resting in our outdoor freezer until we place him in the ground with a special tree. About how John asked the doctor at the consultation before the D&C: "So, you got a Baggie or something we can take it home in?" I know this all may sound macabre, but laughter is a truly healing art, and the fact that I've been able to laugh so much in the last week or so has felt like a blessing. 

I'm choosing to stick with my convictions that everything happens for a reason, and I've taken advantage of the situation to start some new and exciting business plans, to focus on providing a happy and healthy summer for Luciya and working on potty training and binky dropping and running like maniacs in the sunshine, and to diligently strive to make my own body a healthy, glowing temple.  And, I've realized that being 8 months pregnant in 100 degree weather while teaching Stroller Strides classes might not have been  my best look. Kanoa just may be the wisest embryo I've ever met. 

When Baby #2 (well, #3) does come around, I am going to do my best to make sure that he or she is welcomed into the best world we can afford to give him or her. I was concerned today when I saw this news story on the Onion. The education of our future generations is so important. Please join me in my commitment to making sure our children receive the best possible education we can provide them.

In The Know: Are Our Children Learning Enough About Whales?

'cause all she wants to do is dance, dance

Luciya wandered away from her Dada today and came back in possession of two CDs. John swears he doesn't have a clue where she went or where they came from. He's got boxes of CDs stored in the furnace room, but the boxes are sealed and the door was still closed. 

Here are the random selections now sitting on my desk:

and

I'm so excited to listen to about 46 hours of Neil Diamond. You think I'm kidding?

projects

The past few weeks have been dreary gray-bone chilly-nut heavy-sky days, and we've found ourselves indoors much more than we'd like to admit. So, taking advantage of Uncle Mikey's presence and the onset of cabin fever, we've started tackling some household projects that have been topics of conversation for months. 

Inspiration: Half-counter in the corner of the kitchen with 3 cupboards underneath. Not conducive to family eating; very good for gathering clutter.

Step 1: Clear off the mess. Remove the cupboards.

Step 2: Don pink rubber boots and Inspiration Tutu in order to more effectively help in construction efforts.

Step 3: Rip the effer off the wall using any power tools necessary. (A woodworker neighbor with said power tools comes in handy in this step.)

Step 4: Pause. Now what?

Step 5: Spackle and repaint.

Step 6: Furnish. 

We already had the chairs, rug, and bench. We got the table at Fred Meyer for $119.

We're waiting on the finishing touch - a strip of board to cover the bottom portion of the lovely "wall tile" where the counter was ripped out.

I LOVE this. We have eaten here, as a family every single day for the last week. We've played cards and painted pictures. And we don't miss the cupboard space at all. It's like a whole new kitchen!!

the making of a future chocoholic

Making brownies for Dada! Luciya had her first taste of the nectar of the gods. 

another first

What's up, red suit? Yeah, you like my dress? It was my mom's.

Merry Christmas!!

itchy and scratchy

A couple nights ago something bit me on my butt while I was sleeping. A spider maybe? Anyway, I have a big ol' scratchy bite there now. This is relevant, I promise. Because isn't there a saying about a seven year itch?

Last night John and I celebrated 7 years of being together. 

Even though we finally heard back from the Lentzes yesterday (the people we bought the business from), and the news was not good, we took advantage of a night off and whooped it up downtown. Things will get better, because they simply have to. 

And if we can make it this long, and through this much, and still find ourselves so blessed and happy together, well, then, we win anyway. So there. 

It's funny to think that, after seven years, I'm still not as old as John was when we started dating! I was 23 and he was 31. I look at 23 year olds now and I think, little babies! What a cradle robber this guy is! But he must of done something right. He's done a lot of things right. I love you, Ton-Ton. Thanks for making me stronger. 

c'mon, december! woo-woo-woo...

I'm rooting for you, December. You're the last chance 2008 has to turn this spooky-dooky folly that so many of us are feeling on its ear. Stay with us, December 2008. Make my predictions come true. You're strong, December! You're nobody's fool! It's up to you. I have faith. This may very well be the best December ever.

P.S. Will everyone please send healing thoughts to my new Boise friend Christina tomorrow? Thanks.