Tuesday, September 15, 2009

this has been a difficult pregnancy

There, I said it.

So, let the pity party commence.

I am an emotional wreck. My hormones are all over the place, which usually means in a not-so-pleasant place. This evening was kind of the cream of the crop, when I had a break down in Fred Meyer. There I was in the salsa aisle, sobbing, with Luciya in the car cart (we have to have a car cart so she can drive every time), saying "Whatsa matta, Mama? Mama.... Maaaamaaaaaa, whatsa matta, Mama?" Classic. I felt like the woman in that tv commercial from the 80s, where the pot is boiling over, the baby is screaming, the telephone is ringing, and the calm woman's voice comes on and says, "Stop. Count to ten."

Breathe in. Breathe out. Repeat.

I feel like, when I was pregnant with Luciya, everything was rosy and ecstatic and blissful and easy, and I'm sure there were times when I was uncomfortable, or tired, or nervous, or scared, but overall I remember it as a visit to Cloud 9.

This time around has been much, much more difficult. Right off the bat I've been scared silly, frankly, because it happened so soon after the loss of baby number 2. Add to that the constant exhaustion and queasiness, and now at 21 weeks, the onset of sciatica. Really? Already? Man, I didn't get sciatica with Luciya until well into the 3rd trimester. Doesn't help that I pulled my back today something fierce when I was organizing the garage.


And, I've been working like a fiend. There, I said that, too. I work a lot. Every day. And even if I'm not at my 8:00 a.m. BNI meeting or teaching a Stroller Strides class or helping John with the property management business or being a full time mommy (which, on the two days a week John works doubles at the bar, is a killa, I'm just saying. I love my child, but sometimes I wish I could go outside after her bedtime and enjoy a frosty margarita), I'm busy. There's always something that needs to be done. And I'm tired! I know, wah. I know. And I know that I honestly wouldn't have it any other way.

I love to work. I LOVE it. I can't imagine not working, choosing not to work. And nothing gets my goat more these days than laziness, or apathy, or waiting for the world to change for you. Because if I can get all this done, then anyone can. There, I said that, too. Even if we won the lottery - which John brings up about once a week - I know I would still work. I like to feel accomplished, and busy and bustling, and like I'm doing my best. And like I'm making a difference.

And I'm so, so blessed to be able to hold jobs that make me feel happy and fulfilled. Motherhood, for one. It's all I've dreamed about since I was wee. And Stroller Strides... thank Goddess for Stroller Strides. I truly look forward to class every day, and to seeing the beautiful mamas and delightful babies that are in my classes. How lucky am I? I KNOW. And, I get to leave class feeling so great physically. Even though I'm starting to slow down a bit. And the ol' uterus is starting to flop around during jumping jacks.

Oh, uterus of mine. You have made your presence known. Luciya kept trying to scoot closer to me tonight while sitting on my lap during story time. Sorry, kid, the lap is slowly on its way out.

Oh, Luciya. Oh, terrible, sensitive, tragic, delightful, high-strung, beautiful, two year old, Luciya. Today she purposely dumped an entire glass of water on the floor. Twice. In a row. On purpose. And then screamed and screamed and screamed. And flailed and kicked and screamed. She feels my angst, and when we are alone together, just the two of us, all... day... long..., I'm sure she is apt to be quite sensitive. Which only makes me feel more like the world's Most Awesome Mom.


Let the phone call from my mother commence in 3...2...1....

But let's move on to the bright side, okay? Sheesh. Why you'd want to stay in Wallowville is beyond me. Upwards and onwards, I say. Life, in general, is pretty effing awesome.

Hence, the profile of Button Nose, which we saw on 09-09-09:

Awwwww, who's a cutie-patoodie?! And quite the tiny dancer, too. Throughout the entire ultrasound, s/he had the hiccups, and was moving and shaking so much that it was sometimes hard for the tech to take her measurements. But the tech is incredibly skilled, and we didn't get the slightest peek of what is between those legs. Not that I was looking. No way. I'm all about the surprise. Though, at Fred Meyer's Baby Sale tonight, cute little hooded fleece sleepers were 60% off. Flowered or blue and brown - a really cute bringing-home-baby look. I'm just saying.

(If anything, the surprise factor is great for my wallet.)

Button Nose continues to shake and wiggle and roam and glide, which is by far the coolest thing about this pregnancy. I love feeling those crazy movements. It's so surreal. And the idea that this is most likely my last pregnancy makes me want to hold onto these sweet moments and cherish them like you would any other memory that you know will be over all too soon.

And I realize that before we all know it, Button Nose will be here, and everything will be so different, and so amazing, and I'll be able to say - to KNOW - that all of this is entirely worth it, and that I am just so fortunate on so many levels, not the least of which is having the blessed ability to grow and carry this healthy baby inside of me.

So. Breathe. In and out. Count to ten. Stay focused. Get ready.

Tomorrow is another day.


Brooke said...

I'm guessing Boy.

I know all about those moments in a Fred Meyer aisle, and I'm not even pregnant! You're doing a great job!

Ophelia and Peter said...

I looooove your honesty!!

Oh, the ultrasound picture is too precious. What sweetness - and a perfect profile. Sigh.

You're awesome Emily - keep putting one foot in front of the other.


Elaine said...

Let the phone call from my mother commence in 3...2...1....